In this post, we share an article from our newsletter series.
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My dying mother said, “There are some things I want to tell you before I go”. I thought, “ah, finally. A ‘Terms of Endearment’ moment”. She continued, “Make sure the tassels on the curtains don’t get caught in the washing machine.“
Although this unemotional verbal interchange was consistent with our relationship, I still felt cheated by not having the scenario I had seen in movies and read about: one final opportunity to share meaningful words of love, advice, and forgiveness. I drew some comfort from reading a New York Times opinion piece “Dying, With Nothing to Say,” which had a different take on deathbed conversations. The author interviewed various writers’ families about their loved one’s dying words. A large majority of writers, usually eloquent with words, didn’t express any deep or
insightful feelings as they neared death. Contrary to our expectation that when someone is dying, a new, honest, generous space of communication opens up, some relationships and personalities aren’t significantly transformed. The
dying person may also not have the physical/mental capability to express him/herself nor the amount of time to compress into a few words, the unspoken feelings of a lifetime. For other families, impending death does provide moments of forgiveness, explanations , reconciliation, and feelings felt but rarely talked about. Years later I received what I was hoping for. I found an unusually expressive, old note from my mother thanking me for a gift that I had given her and more importantly, for being a daughter she was proud of. Finding this note reminded me
that life usually doesn’t follow a script and we (both the dying person and the surviving loved ones) all have our different ways, time frames, and comfort levels for sharing ourselves with others.
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Please look out for future posts featuring stories, advice, and highlights from our New jersey hospice newsletter.